Nadia the Human
by Noah Cicero
[ fiction - january 04 ]
"You can't even get a drink of water for yourself... You're fucking pathetic!" said Nadia from the kitchen.
"That statement is false," said me calmly from the couch.
"It's not nonsense, you can't even get your self a glass of water. I have to get it for you. You can't do anything for yourself. Without me, you would die for sure. All you are, is a fucking brat."
Nadia has come into the living room. She is standing in front of the couch yelling sentences at me.
"Yes, that is what I am, a fucking brat."
"Are you delusional and stupid?"
"No, I'm totally at peace."
"Do you now what your behavior is doing to me? You get up around two PM, then go to that shitty strip. Which, I might add, is the shittiest strip joint in northeast Ohio. Then you sit there all night drinking whiskey and soda. Then you go to Denny's and sit there all night with your intellectual friends talking about shit that doesn't matter. Then you stumble home, lay down next to me, and then begin that thing where you rub your hard-on against my ass... What the fuck is that?"
"Affection." I politely replied.
"We had love, Arkady, we had true love... But you've given up." She began crying.
"I can't tolerate you anymore?"
"You need help, you know that. You're mentally ill, you have problems, you know what you do, you direct all your problems on me, because you feel inadequate."
"All I asked for, was a glass of water."
"You can't do anything without me. You need me, you know that, right."
"You were standing in the kitchen getting yourself a glass of water, and we say I love you to each other, we tell people that we are together: why wouldn't you get me a glass of water?"
"You make no sense," said Nadia.
"I make total sense."
"You haven't made sense in months, you used to compliment me constantly, you used to never raised any objections to anything I said, why have you started now?"
"Because you tricked me."
"How did I trick you?"
"You acted really good at the beginning; you cared about the things I was interested in, we had lots of sex, and currently you show no interest in my personal existence outside of you, and we don't have sex anymore."
"You are just saying those things to hurt me. You can tell me anything your like that doesn't have anything to do with me, and I'll listen."
"I put no value in that statement."
"You love me, you know it, you can't do anything without me. I'm your muse."
"You're a beggar, that's what you do, you beg. You beg for my attention, you beg for me to stop liking things that have nothing to do with you, you beg for me to stop being myself, you beg and beg. But the thing about your begging is that you just don't come out and say it. You have to make me feel guilty, and toture me until I do what you want. I would do what you want without you having to make me feel guilty. I want you to fucking leave, and if you ever come back I will knock your ass out."
"You're a piece of shit."
"I'm a snowflake, eat my ass."
"Why don't you fight me, you just sit there making moronic comments. It's like you've given up even fighting me."
"You don't listen anyway. You're so psychologically fucked there's no getting through to you. You're fucked, that's all."
"I am not psychologically fucked."
"You create your own problems. I wash the dishes at least once every two days, I get my own water, I only go to the strip joint two times a week. I try spending time with you, but you never want to go out... All you do all day is sit in your pajamas smoking cigarettes watching interior decorating shows... You live a pathetic existence."
"I love my existence, I love myself."
"Did your brain short circuit?"
"I do, really I do. When I look in the mirror, I'm really fond of myself."
"But you're so worthless, you've never gone to school, you don't read books, you don't play sports, you don't have any hobbies, you have no interests whatsoever. You have nothing to talk about except for work. People should only talk about work to other people they work with. And if something funny happens or you have a really bad day at work, you talk about it for less than fifteen minutes to somebody outside of work, but that is all. When you get home from work I have to hear about your stupid fucking pizza deliveries for hours, and about your stupid fucking fellow employees. You don't know how to do anything but deliver pizzas, there is no way that can make you happy."
"What do you do all day, read books and go to Denny's?"
"I have to do much, I got a book published and they sent me a check for a lot of money. I read a lot because I'm researching a book... But do you see, there is no talking to you, I'm talking about you, not me, I asked a question. But your vanity is so intense you didn't hear a word I said."
"You're a piece of a shit."
"I'm a young man living the American dream."
"The American dream is not going to a strip joint all the time and hanging out at Denny's. It's being an astronaut or president."
"Well, my dream is to have hot girls walk around me all night, and give me lap dances."
"What about me - aren't I good enough? It makes me feel like I'm not enough woman for you."
"I'm sorry, but you don't walk naked in the trailer all day, you sit in your pajamas and watch stupid shows made for morons."
"I exercised for you. I lost thirty pounds for you, what for, so I could hear you shit on me."
"I'm not shitting on you, you're shitting on yourself for me. And I don't care how much you weigh, if I cared I woudn't of asked for your number you when you were thirty pounds heavier," said me.
"I'm not shitting on myself; you are directing your inadequateness onto me."
"I want you to know I've been cheating on you."
"Who did you cheat on me with, you fucker?"
"The girls down at the Asian spa, and Liz and I have been fucking for a while too."
"I can't fucking believe this. How long?" said Nadia.
"The Asian spa girls for about two months, and Liz for like three weeks, but I haven't screwed any of the Asian spa girls since I've been screwing Liz. And if you haven't noticed I haven't screwed you either."
"You're such a fuck! You've destroyed my life!"
Nadia falls onto the floor, begins a well orchestrated cry.
"No, I haven't... I've given you a fresh chance," said me.
"I'll go back to my parent's house."
"That's super."
"I tried to love you."
"No, you didn't. All you did was bitch about the dishes, and how sometimes I would ask you to get me water. You never wanted to be my girlfriend, I don't even think you enjoy sex, period. The only reason you have sex with men is for attention. Actually, I think the only reason you talk to men is for attention. It has nothing to do with them. You are fucking insane, and you are are a fierce menace to men everywhere."
"You are a fucking piece of shit. You don't understand me, I thought you understood me, but you don't."
"I understand that you are a phony, you don't like men, you don't like me, you don't care about me, and you only look at me as a thing that can give you attention," said me.
"Why would you cheat on me? I love you - how can you do this to me?"
"I wouldn't have cheated on you, but you don't talk to me, you don't do anything with me. I'm a human, I need attention too. I need affection, I need friendship. You aren't supplying any of those things for me."
Nadia stands there crying, pulling her hair out. I sit on the couch looking callous and indifferent. I suddenly fart really loud.
"That's another thing about you, I'm glad to be leaving. You fart constantly, oh my god, and it stinks like hell too," said Nadia.
"You give me gas, what can I say."
"It's all that fast food you eat, you're so god damn unhealthy."
"Why should I be healthy, I'm gonna die anyway."
"For me and for your children."
"You're not healthy either, you never used the exercise equipment I bought for you, and you eat shitty food also."
I turn on the PS2 and start playing a game. Nadia sits down the floor in front of me crying and says, "What are you doing? We are in the middle of a breakup and you're playing video games?"
"Well, you're leaving... I might as well get started on a game; I'm not going to the strip joint until 12."
"You don't have to be at the strip joint at all, I'm right here, and I love you."
"You don't love me. You love yourself through me, that is all."
"That is a lie, I would do anything for you," said Nadia.
"You wouldn't even get me a glass of water."
"You're insane."
"I'm bored, not insane."
"You're bored because you don't do anything."
"I have no interest in being useful. Usefulness is slavery."
"You're really fucked up."
"I don't think I am," said me.
"You are, you have to know that, you are fucked up, and you're crazy, it's insane to think that we aren't meant to be together. I love you and you love me. No one will ever love you like I do, no one, do you hear me? I am the only person that will ever love you, because you're so fucked up, no one will ever love, you know that, you must."
"I know all that, you've been telling that for years. But if that statement is true, why would you love me, that's like saying I'm a piece of shit, and another thing is why does Liz enjoy my company so much, why does she listen to me talk, why does she have sex with me all the time without me having to beg for it."
"Liz will one day find out how fucked you are, she will soon realize how fucked up you are, she doesn't know you like I do."
"Your statements are false."
"Shut up. I love you, you love me, we are meant to be together. God has put us together to be in love, to get married, and to have children," said Nadia.
"There is no God, there is no love, and there is no us."
"You are a piece of shit, you know that, look at me, I'm crying, that's how much I love you, I love you so much that I'm crying."
"You will be over me and with a new guy in less than a week."
"No, I won't, I love you so much. Look at me, I'm crying."
"You are crying so I will feel pity for you, that is the only reason, the only fucking reason.You are a pity monger. After you leave here, you will go home and tell your stupid shallow mother how fucked up a peson I am, and she will agree, and than say like the shallow fuck that she is, that this is all my fault"
"My mother is not shallow, she is a great person."
"You're mother, all your friends, and you are all shallow and pathetic," said me.
"You can't live without me, you can't even get a glass of water without me, you know that, don't you?"
"Get the fuck out!"
She stood up, and jumped on me, and began punching me in the face. I threw her onto the floor, grabbed her by her the hair, dragged her crying to the door. I opened the door and threw her out. I locked the door. Nadia stood out there screaming and crying. Eventually she left.
I went back to the couch, picked up the cordless telephone and called Liz.
Afterward
Nadia got a boyfriend within ten days. His name is Trevor and he smokes a lot of weed, didn't graduate high school and is in a really bad band. And Nadia refuses to listen to him play guitar, but she goes to the shows, but never goes near the stage. She sits at a table and tells everybody that comes near her that her boyfriend is Trevor and he's in one of the bands.
