Options
by Stephen Davies
[ places - september 04 ]
I first meet Carlos in an ice cream parlour in Governador Valadares. He and one of his students have come here after an English lesson, so that Carlos can have a quick Cornetto. He greets me in English, and introduces his student, Mario.
"Mario is a hairdresser," he says, "aren't you, Mario?" "Hello Mario," I say. "How long have you been learning English?" "Don't confuse him," says Carlos, his mouth full of ice cream. "Use the simple past." I try again. "When did you start learning English?" "When?" says Carlos, speaking loudly into his student's left ear. "When did you start my course? Yesterday? Last week? Ten years ago? When?" The hairdresser looks startled.
"You have to give them options," confides Carlos in an undertone. "Three months," he continues. "He started learning three months ago. For three months he has been learning." "Why do you want to learn English?" I ask Mario. "Why?" repeats Carlos, spraying cone at his student. "Why English? To work where? To work in China? Morocco? Latvia? Peru? Where? Where do you want to go work? The United States of America?" Mario nods uncomfortably. "Options," says Carlos, pleased. "America. He wants to cut hair in America. You got a minute? Come and see my language school. Tchau, Mario. Até a vista."
'Smart Course' language school is two blocks away. Carlos ushers me into a simple office with a desk, telephone and bookshelf. There are two certificates on the wall. One is from a TEFL day-course Carlos attended in London. The other I am unsure about; its calligraphy is extravagant and illegible. On the window sill is a framed photograph of Carlos in an intimate embrace with Whoopi Goldberg. "I had an affair with her," he says sadly. "It did not last long. Come and see the classroom."
The classroom consists of eight chairs in a semi-circle around a white-board. At the top of the board in uneven capitals is the challenge DO YOU DRINK VODKA? Below, a line of qualifiers: Never, OCCASIONALLY, sometimes, Frequently, often, ALWAYS. "Where would you put sporadically?" says Carlos, raking a hand through his thinning hair. "Before or after occasionally? Come and see the storeroom."
The storeroom houses a collection of miscellany, all of it for sale. In the Brazilian Way you need a sideline. Cherubs and longhaired dogs gaze out from various oil paintings, competing with each other for wistfulness. An icon of Mary changes to Jesus as I walk past it. In the corner there are two saddles and a large, mysterious metal box.
Carlos does not call this stuff miscellany; he uses a less polite word for it. But he surveys it all fondly enough. "Hair conditioner," he announces, pointing at the metal box. "Sorry, air conditioner." That should sell quickly. On average, Governador Valadares is the hottest city in the country, and my experience to date has backed this up. Valadares is a three showers a day city.
"What part of America are you from?" asks Carlos, and I tell him. "I hear the English are racist," he says. "Are they?" I sift options in my head. None of them, hardly any, some, most, all of them are. All and none are the most attractive, of course, generalisation being the traveller's constant temptation. In the end I go for bland honesty. "A few are, sometimes." "And what do the English know about Brazil?" Pick a cliché. Football? Samba? Carlos saves me the decision. "People seem to hear only the bad things about Brazil," he says. "They watch City of God and Anaconda and they think they know Brazil. They think Brazil is all drug-wars and man-eating snakes. Men who would shoot you for your watch and snakes that would leave only your watch behind." "What about the beautiful game?" I ask, grinning inanely. No reaction. "Ronaldo?" I plead. "Pelé?" No, Carlos is not interested in football. He is interested in ice cream, grammar and kitsch.
Students are arriving, but before I leave I cannot help but ask, "Where did you meet Whoopi?" "London," says Carlos, reaching for his white-board pens. "Madam Tussauds." Like Mario, I leave 'Smart Course' feeling foolish.
