Urine
by Ronald J Stone
[ fiction - july 09 ]
On 'Noxious Liquids'
Local And International Consequences Attendant To The Law Thereof
By: Ronald J. Stone, Esq., Judge Pro Tem, NYC Quality of Life Court (QoLC)
To the Editors:
Cloaked in sillinesses though it be, everything that follows is true (actually happened); I am attempting to remove the two (2) Real and True NYC Quality of Life Court (QoLC) cases, L----y and D---i, infra, from the dustbin of Lowest Level Court Decisions and to restore them to the World Class, Stainless Steel, Top of the Line, Gourmet Oven where they belong. (NOTE BENE: Maybe you should print these prefacing words, too. Please.)
'Then I was lying. Now I'm telling the truth.'
Bob Arum, Boxing promoter
That is to say: Believe me! Everything in this 'fiction,' infra, is true: Real-Deal, Straight-Stuff.
This story's 'inside story'
STRAIGHT STUFF: So here's the Real-Deal, Straight-Stuff. What follows is an Oulipo type thing: to take two (2) real and true Court incidents, themselves dead to all the world, myself the sole exception, and to make of the two (2), two (2) real and true stories once more ab initio.
L-----Y CASE: There really was a hearing involving the (legal term of art) characterization - 'noxious liquid' or not - as to a discarded rubber, full of cum, the disposition of which, along with the thing itself as filled, were all in all charged as a violation of the NYC Admin. Code law of 'Noxious Liquids:' defense being consensual act of fellatio, the filled prophylactic containing natural and organic protein based, 100% healthy viscous liquid NOT NOXIOUS. The tape of the hearing really was destroyed, lost, what-have-you.
M----I D---I CASE: Both Prime Minister D---I and the great Ghandi really did drink their own urine, did so every day of their lives. The D---I case's Decision and Order really was in the computerized records system of the City of New York Quality of Life Court. Urine - COW and HUMAN - as a soft drink for consumption by the general population is a fact of Indian life, then and now. True, it is supposition only as to D---I's offering his urine for sale to Coke and/or Pepsi, but from what we know of the man, it's fair to suppose. The D---I QoLC records really did become subsequently destroyed, lost, what-have you.
Lowest level courts; highest level effects
PRECIS: Sanitation Department of the City of New York v. L-----Y (Cite as 209 LLCHLE 222)
HOLDING: New York City's 'Noxious Liquids' law, so-called, enacted 1901 to preclude and punish deliberate spillage of fish brine onto Municipal streets, ways and byways, since extended in application to public urination by humans, does not apply to prophylactics filled with spermatozoa and discarded on to Municipal streets, ways and byways. OBITER DICTA: There being no indication of legislative intent allowing resort to a fish brine law, such a law, as drafted and remaining on the books, is impermissibly applied to empower the Criminal Law proscription of active streetwalkers from those streets, actively soliciting.
PRECIS: Sanitation Department of the City of New York v. D---I (Cite as 211 LLCHLE 555)
HOLDING: Prime Minister of India D---I, in New York City (by his own credible account) as a private citizen marketing his own urine to Coke and Pepsi for public Soft Drink mass marketing, is granted his own request to be treated as a private individual nowise governmental. Nonetheless, his public position is recognized. PM D---I's contention that at the time and place of alleged violation he was urinating NOT on to public park land but into a cup for purposes of storage of the liquid for subsequent testing by the soft drink companies is found credible. In addition, PM D---I's claim that his urine is NOT 'noxious'; it is an organic health FOOD drink, is also found credible and probative. Case dismissed. OBITER DICTA: The Court took notice that in India, at levels comparable to both Coke and Pepsi, cow urine is presently marketed as a soft drink.
Introduction: DECISIONS AND ORDERS: L-----Y and D---I
There follow two court decisions by me written. Taken together, at one and the same time, they are true fact, an Oulipo problem (to remove from oblivion and to restore to true fact case and controversy status) resolved. Both are official, regarding which - to quote I cannot recall whom - you can look it up; it's all true. The first case, L-----Y, is based on an actual hearing, tape recorded. The whole L-----Y business - ticket, respondent, hearing - was a bit of a put on, to be sure, but its purpose was didactic; it was real: that is, to enforce laws against prostitution properly, or else to give up on them, laws and their prosecution both - 'noxious liquids' will not do. The recording was made and forwarded for official storage. Somewhere along the way, however, the tape was taken out of the 'system.' It was, and remains, 'lost.' I am pretty sure I know who took it and the reason why: namely, to preserve the 'dignity' of the court. However, this presumes that a court dealing with public pissing under the rubric 'noxious liquids' has any dignity in the first place: a supposition too, too utterly presumptuous, to be sure.
Whatever was stolen: it is what it is.
Below I write what should have been, and, being written, now is as should be.
To the Editors:
Let me be perfectly clear about this: I am a Judge Pro Tem of the Quality of Life Court ('QoLC') of the City of New York.
QoLC governance forbids unauthorized publication of anything internal to the QoLC. What follows could be construed as just that. Therefore, take everything herein as FICTION PURE AND SIMPLE.
NOW: We get to the point: Put plain, UNDER PENALTIES OF LAW, THERE IS NO HUMAN PISSING IN PUBLIC VIEW IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. I kid you NOT! And New York City has maybe 136 public toilets - counting all 5 boroughs. Therefore, lacking pissoirs, as we New Yorkers do, men piss in public in New York City (women customarily NOT, of course).
Excerpt: 'The Memoirs of a Judge of the Lowest Court'
NOXIOUS LIQUIDS: LOCAL LAW, WORLD WIDE CONSEQUENCES
By: Ronald J. Stone
Judge Pro Tem (Ret.), City of New York, Quality of Life Court ('QoLC')
Backgrounders
Text of Pgh. 6, Sec. 16-118(6) of the Admin. Code of the City of NY
6. No swill, brine, offensive animal matter, noxious liquid or other filthy matter of any kind, shall be allowed by any person to fall upon or run into any street, or public place, or be taken to or put therein.
Comment (PROPRIETARY INFORMATION ñ INTERNAL USE ONLY ñ VIOLATORS PROSECUTED)
This section of law, 2 Session of the Council 1901, addresses enterprises such as fish stores and fisheries that fail to take precautions as to the drippings of fishy liquids and/or brine into public ways and byways. 'Liquids' as herein used addresses water to be designated as a 'noxious liquid' in the sense that such 'water' is foul of smell.
All piscine implications notwithstanding, supra, this section is most commonly applied to urination on &/or into public streets, ways and by ways &/or to public urination in general (returnable in CIVIL hearings before the City of New York Quality of Life Court ((QoLC)).)
QUALITY OF LIFE COURT OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
Definitions(s). The City of New York Quality of Life Court (QoLC) is an administrative tribunal that hears cases involving violations of New York City's quality-of-life laws. [These laws include AC Sec. 16-118(6) 'NOXIOUS LIQUIDS.'], WWW.NYCNET.QoLC.GOV
COMMENTARIES:
The 'Broken Window' theory of Criminal Law Enforcement shifts emphasis from the solving and resolving of major crimes to the enforcement and prosecution of minor violations toward the end of safe and tidy neighborhoods antithetical to acts of criminal behavior by those who live or venture into them. [A] prime (if not THE) prime example has been bringing to bear the law of 'Noxious Liquids' against streetwalking prostitutes and their clients in their disposals of used, filled condoms upon City Streets, to the end not of keeping the allegedly noxious male spermatozoa fluids off City Streets but of singling out for enforcement the removal of 'prostitutes' and their 'johns' from them (E.G. Holland and Lincoln Tunnels approach roads).
See Legal Note 5, THE LAW OF MUNICIPAL CRIMINAL ENFORCEMENT, Vol. 4, 1994 (p.11), CF: Anthony C. Thompson Courting Disorder: Some Thoughts on Community Courts, in Journal of Law and Policy (Vol. 10:63).
STATE OF NEW YORK, CITY OF NEW YORK
THE QUALITY OF LIFE COURT OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
-----------------------------------------*
NEW YORK CITY DEPT. OF SANITATION,
Petitioner,
-against-
LOUIS (LOUIE) L-----Y,
Respondent.
DECISION AND ORDER OF THE COURT
Respondent L-----Y represented himself; he testified.
Petitioner Sanitation Department (SD) made no request to appear. Hence, as per standard QoLC practice, the case against Mr. L-----Y goes forward based on the prima facie charge(s) of violation, if any, as put forth on the ticket - #0.................. - before us: to wit: [Citing Sec. 118.2(6) of the Sanit. Code, 'Noxious Liquids'], Issuing Officer [Redacted) alleged that on '------- -----, 1994, 4:55 PM, [he] did observe respondent to fill with scum via prostitutionary [SIC] acts with a harlot and then from automobile window to deposit on public street [Holland Tunnel Access Road] said scumbag filled with said scum in violation of the laws of the City of New York.'
Respondent L-----Y ('Call me 'Louie.'), appearing and testifying in his own defense, objected to the 'crude terminology' of the charge itself, attesting that the 'liquid' in question was so far from being 'noxious' as, 'in fact and truth to be 'organically healthy' and, besides, not put on the street in anything, latex or otherwise, but instead drunk whole by my fiancÈe - no harlot she! - a regular practice by her to imbibe what we both regard as an 'afternoon pick-me-up.' In fact, my fiancÈe, [Name Withheld] drinks the stuff as a 'pleasant enough tasting Power Protein Longevity Cocktail.'
Based on Respondent's 'Longevity Cocktail' contention, it is ordered that this instant hearing be kept open for five (5) business days from today's date, within which time Respondent is to present bona fide testing results from a New York State Association of Court Certified Testing Agency certifying the nature of his liquid spermatozoa - that is, 'noxious' or 'not?' . . . Result of testing by Galactic Laboratorial Underwriters, Inc.: 'liquid approximately 75% filmy protein, 25% water, in whole 100% organic and 100% 'not noxious.' No assessment as to presumptively health food claims, same being not asked for and, therefore, not testified to.' (Except by implication, Respondent saying: 'You can taste it yourself.' Naturally, we respectfully declined.)'
These test results having been timely submitted in a manner whereby a proper evidentiary chain has been preserved, I find that based on ALL credible evidence adduced before me, the charge against respondent has been rebutted. Accordingly, I dismiss. COURT'S ADDENDUMED NOTE: the prompt conclusion of the Inspector General, Dept. of Investigations, that, as a general proposition, there was no improper behavior by the undersigned, and, specifically, no suggestion that the alleged fellatio be performed on the undersigned by way of demonstration is herein not alone noted but also EMPHASIZED.
COMMENTARY:
The Sanitation Department appealed. Notwithstanding that everything re. the above was tape recorded, and the tape itself was placed in segregated, secret storage, the tape and all attendant documentation were, nonetheless, 'permanently lost,' rendering the very proceedings, initial charge to final disposition, ex nihilo, non existent.
That, however, was not that.
The week of the L-----y hearing, then Mayor Ed Koch issued an executive order 'abolishing all dress codes for Non Uniform City employees, said codes covering those both officially and unofficially imposed, save that all on-the-job attire must be business appropriate.' See Mayoral Executive Orders of 1994, p. 1003. The day following Order issuance, a City Attorney stationed at QoLC quarters, appeared for work garbed in a frilled dress with tank top (Upon information and belief) he made copies of the L-----Y tape, and for six (6) months played these copies in continuous loop at each of the six (6) Outer Borough beauty salons by him owned. For all I know, they play on. Whatever the case, the facts of initial life as to the initial, ORIGINAL Hearing tape, be it in the possession of beauty parlors or QoLC records, accomplished what good sense and basic lawyering had heretofore failed to: Whore targeted Scum filled scumbag enforcement ceased.
Moving right along:
STATE OF NEW YORK, CITY OF NEW YORK
THE QUALITY OF LIFE COURT OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK
NEW YORK CITY DEPT. OF SANITATION,
Petitioner,
-against- Case # 01010303/1990
M. D---I,
Respondent.
EXPLANATORY NOTE PREFACING:
The following case was heard, and decision was rendered (infra) on April 31, 1995. In my estimation - and this is truth, not braggadocio - the averting of further exacerbation, to say the least, of the incendiary relations between Pakistan and India and India and other regional powers was the end result (devoutly to be wished for and, indeed, had) of my wisely treating this case and controversy in a manner and matter devoid of diplomatic, international relations, but, instead, as one, to put it bluntly, of 'JUST ANOTHER INSTANCE OF AN OLD MAN PISSING IN THE PARK.' NOTE BENE: Once again, we have an instance of yours truly Judge Pro Tem foreswearing nonsense application of Civil Law for Criminal Law ends.
Exhibits as marked in evidence
RESPONDENT M----I D---I EXHIBIT 1
THE N - Y--K T---S: April 11, 1995
M----i D---I Dies at 99; Defeated Indira Gandhi to Become Premier of India
By S---y H------a
. . . Mr. D---I [b. Feb. 1896; d. April 11, 1995] . . . . . . frowned on 'wrong habits and vices,' developing a lifelong commitment to a sui generis medical regime, including drinking his own urine.. . . Regarding abstinence as the sole correct means of birth control, he turned his back on sex.
RESPONDENT M----I D---I EXHIBIT 2
[HINDI] T---S ONLINE
February 11, 2009
J----y P--e, Delhi
India to launch cow urine as soft drink
Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is Your Coke cuckoo kaka? India's Hindu Nation First Movement has the answer: a soft drink made from cow urine.
EoLC, COURT'S EXHIBIT 1
'All politics is local.'
Thomas Philip 'Tip' O'Neill, Jr. [b. Dec. 9, 1912; d. Jan. 5, 1994]
55th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives.
EoLC, COURT'S EXHIBIT 2
'You fermentationate it right, there's lotsa guys in this joint'll drink lots of it, you price it right, too.' Anon.
DECISION AND ORDER OF THE COURT
Present at the hearing was Respondent D---I, representing himself and testifying.
Appearing on behalf of Petitioner Sanitation Department, City of New York, was Arthur B., Esq., Deputy Commissioner for Legal Affairs. He rested Petitioner's Prima Facie case wholly on the charge of violation as stated: 'Ticket #0----------------------, before us, to wit: [citing Sec. 118-6 ACNYC], and stating, '[I] did observe respondent to fill with. . .'
Accompanying Respondent D---I was [Name Unknown}, who identified himself as 'an appropriate representative of the Government of the Sovereign State of India.' Also accompanying was Panesh M., who identified himself as 'General Consul for Legal Affairs, Consulate of the Sovereign State of India to the United States of America.'
Paul S., Assistant to the United States Assistant Secretary of State for Domestic Affairs, also presented his credentials to this tribunal. Under oath, Mr. S. testified that '[he] was on hand to affirm that Messrs. D---I, Hon. [Name Unknown] and Hon. Panesh M. are who they say they are.'' Having pronounced, Mr. S. departed.
Hon. [Name Unknown], under oath, testified that 'even Mr. D---I, even as Prime Minister, cannot waive the prosecutorial immunity flowing to him from the Crown and the State of India. On behalf of the Sovereign, we do not waive, and we do demand - not just move - dismissal of this case.' Having pronounced, [Name Unknown], too, departed. Hon. Panesh M. stated that he seconded the 'demand, not a motion.' However, he remained at the Hearing, 'here to observe, not to represent.' Sanit. Dept. Com. B., Esq. also remained 'under the same terms and conditions, whatever they are.'
At this point, Respondent D---I demanded that he be sworn and then be allowed to give testimony in his own defense. The undersigned hearing officer acquiesced. Respondent D---I began by declaiming, 'As did the great Gandhi, lying naked next to his naked nubile pubescent teenage niece, awaken each morning and drank his urine, I, too, arise from the solitude of my abstinence to drink of my own urine. And I am, as you can see, quite elderly - 98 years, to be precise. And yet, as you can see, I am quite healthy, indeed am nimble.' Respondent D---I, at this point, arose and did a brief 'soft shoe' dance - here to there. He next sat back down. 'Quite nimble, indeed,' he noted. He attributed his years and his health to his mode of living, 'not least being that all my life, I have drunk my own urine.'
Respondent D---I went on to testify, 'I am here not alone to protect my reputation - it needs no such thing - but to protect the integrity of urine as a soft drink in general, my own urine in particular.' Mr. D---I observed that Westerners cannot be expected to know that cow urine, in the past, and especially now, 'when it is being mass marketed,' has always been a 'drink of refreshment, rejuvenation and reincarnation in my country. Even so,' he observed, 'it cannot compare with [SIC] one's own urine, and no one person's own urine, taken fresh from the pump, begins to compare with mine.' At this point, Respondent D---I did another soft shoe. He then sat down and resumed his testimony. 'I am here to license my urine to Coca Cola - or Pepsi, whichever bids highest.' Respondent D---I concluded by noting that so far from spilling his urine ('no 'noxious liquid,' needless to say') upon the ground, at the time of interruption by the Issuing Officer he was depositing same in a sterile receptacle for use as a sample for soft drink manufacturers.
At this point, Respondent D---I, drew a receptacle from his pocket - 'this very container, here' - then pulled out two small plastic cups, filled both with the liquid and drank one, 'and, your Honor,' he said, 'please partake of this other. It is a tasty taste treat even unsweetened and, assuredly, as good for you as it has been for me.' Naturally, the undersigned Judge Pro Tem declined. The hearing closed.
There being no public urine use made by petitioner, there is no decision. Furthermore, there being no case, I dismiss all charges. So ordered.
Afterword:
Naturally, I kept my own tape, and - as above - herein publish, in material part, the hearing transcript. As they say: No tempest, only piss in a pisspot.
Final afterword:
There is no kidding around here. What you've seen here, what you've read here, stays here!
I want my pension!
Sig.: . . . . . . . . ..
Date: . . . . . . . . .
Ronald J. Stone, Esq.
Judge Pro Tem, Once and Future
What you've just read has all been true fact; I kid you not.
